Lessons from traveling abroad: unwanted sexual attention

The first hostel I stayed in was in Zagreb, Croatia.  It was a mixed dorm with 4 bunk beds.  The first couple nights there were a couple other girls in the room, as was the hostel's policy to try and ensure there was never only one girl in a room.  However, a few nights in, I went to bed unaware that I would be the only girl that night.  A couple of the guys were sitting in their beds reading when I climbed into my bunk and pulled my eye shades on to block out the light.

Just as was falling asleep, a group of boys speaking a mixture of English and another language came in, loudly laughing and clearly drunk.

One of them shushed the others and I assumed pointed at me sleeping as there were then several hushed remarks of "Oh shit, it's a girl."

At this point I was annoyed but still drowsy and hoping to fall back to sleep as soon as they shut up and passed out.

Suddenly one of them started singing "Rape me."  At the time I did not know this was a real (obviously disgusting and horrible, regardless of how Cobain intended it) song by Nirvana, and thought the boy was simply making it up on the spot.

My heart was pounding as I started making plans about what I would do if they came near me.  I was on a top bunk so I figured I could swing out and kick them in the head, but there four or five of them and one of me.  I was also in a sleep sack.  I panicked, fully awake, long after they had turned out the lights and were snoring.

Luckily they all left the next day and a group of brothers and sisters stayed in my room the next night.

Lesson #1: Sexual harassment is real and it is everywhere.

What should I have done?  It's hard to say, really.  One could argue that I should have ripped off my eye mask and confronted them.  Let them know that not only was I awake, but that I disapproved.  That I should have gone downstairs and reported my concerns, demanding to be placed in a different room.  Or that the offenders should be thrown out.

That might have worked, had I been able to get downstairs.

One could also argue I did the right thing by ignoring it, so as not to provoke further attack.  That I should have slept with a knife under my pillow. Or that I should never have stayed in a mixed dorm to begin with, because it's not safe.

Lesson #2: There is no fail-proof way to get out of or avoid sexual harassment or assault.

Both sets of recommendations make me angry and here is why:  I should not have to deal with that situation at all.

• People should be decent enough human beings to know rape is not a joke, even when they're plastered.  I don't joke about dismembering kittens, or abusing children when I'm drunk because those are not humorous.  The end.
• Men should stand up to other men.  There were several other guys in our dorm who were still awake and who I know spoke English.  One of them had gone out to dinner with me the night before.  None of them said anything.  I was pretty certain none of them would do anything if the situation had gotten worse.
• It is not my fault that I froze and thus did not stand up for myself.  We have this idea that outspoken women will always be outspoken.  That if someone like me doesn't stand and shout at something, then either it didn't effect us or didn't happen.  It's wrong.  We all operate differently under fight or flight at different times.  We are not ourselves when full of adrenalin and cortisol.
• I should not have to live in constant fear.  Sleeping with a weapon will not make you feel safe.  It may make you feel safer but you feel truly safe when you do not even think about sleeping with a weapon.
• Saying it's my fault for staying in a mixed dorm is also wrong.  A lot of dorms do not even have female-only dorms and the ones who do raise the price for the privilege.  They disguise this fact by making the female-only dorms "deluxe" or "ensuite" but then do not provide "normal" female-only dorms at the same price as mixed dorms.

Lesson #3: Being safe is not a right in this world, it is a privilege.  It should be a right, but it's not.

Note that none of my lessons were "do not stay in mixed dorms." I continued to stay in mixed dorms and most of the time I had no problems (there were two more instances I will cover later).  At this point my only lesson was basically:

Overarching lesson:  If you are a female, you are not safe.  (Hell, if you are a male you are also not safe, but statistically on a smaller scale.)  Have a plan, even if in the moment you can't follow through.  Have a backup plan.  Be alert.  Check if you will be the only girl and if so, request being moved because a lot of hostels have policies about not putting a girl in a room with all boys.  The hostels are not ignorant, you shouldn't be either.  (This is not something I learned until about to come home, and I wish I had.)